Life finds a way.

I've always thought velociraptors were the coolest dinosaurs to ever exist. Velociraptors and the little acid-spitting one that ate Dennis Nedry (Wayne Knight) towards the end of Jurassic Park. That guy was a douche.

Recently, I have come to realize the only reason velociraptors are cool only because they are all dead. If raptors were alive, this would be a very terrible place. If for some ungodly raptors were revived, I have a pretty good theory as to how that'll happen.

It all starts with a young boy who had terrible parents. These terrible parents never let him watch Jurassic Park or any of the sequels. Little Jimmy goes to college and becomes Earth's most amazing geneticist. All the while, he never learned one the most important rules of life: Never ever bring dinosaurs, especially the carnivores, back to life. 

Before everyone else has finally been able to make Sharktopus a reality, Jimmy has bought an island in the Pacific and turns it into a massive zoo. Then, he invites some people to the zoo for a beta testing. Those people all die because the raptors figure how to get out of their holding areas. Raptors, being the clever creatures they are, start teaching themselves important skills. How to open doors, set traps, talk, and fly the helicopters. Next thing you know, they're headed to the mainland.

Chances are they've also learned how to steer boats. It'll be an aerial and sea attack. Eventually, after a long and harsh battle, velociraptors will become our overlords. We'll be slaves, pets, and food. Raptors also have a thing for the Victorian Era. Top hats and monocles will be back in fashion.

We'll stay under the rule of our velociraptor masters until the dolphins have gotten fed up with not getting free fish or lots of cheers for jumping through rings. They'll learn how to build lasers, rise up, and free us from slavery. Vive la Revolucion! 








Disclaimer: I do not and have never owned anything related to Jurassic Park.

Welcome to my blog.

I was planning on making my first post an "About Me" sort of thing. I realized that was a horrible idea and decided to play: "Let's offend someone!" It's really only a game for me and no one else. I always enjoy it. You, on the other hand, are about to get really angry/defensive or laugh really hard. Either way, tell all your friends about it so I can hopefully make some money.

This week's opinion: Pregnancy photos. For pregnant women, by pregnant women.

I posted this on my Facebook page a long time ago. Except, I couldn't say all that I wanted to say due to the text limits on picture captions. I also couldn't put all the pictures I wanted to post without it getting completely ignored. You lucky kids get the full-blown picture book that is my personal opinion of pregnancy photos and the people that take them. Let's begin!

Most pregnancy photos should be illegal. Don't get me wrong, bringing a new life into the world is a beautiful thing. However, the majority of pictures mothers-to-be take of themselves while going through this are just ridiculous. Naked, almost naked, naked on a horse, naked in the woods, almost naked while laying on a mirror, almost naked while holding up a picture of what the fetus/baby/thing looks like, etc. I've seen them all. I'll blame that on coming from an area where 98% of the girls ended up pregnant before 20 and during my senior year more than half of the new freshman came to the high school 6-months pregnant. If you can't do math, it means they were getting busy during middle school. But, that'll be another blog post. Here's another picture.

This picture is generally the kind of thing I think of when someone says something about pregnancy photos.

This is what I think goes through an expecting woman's head once she has decided she wants pictures:
"Eeeeek! My belly looks like I swallowed the Death Star or the egg sac of a giant spiderrrrrr! That's SOOOO exciting! Everyone else needs to see, too! I'll take a ridiculous amount of pictures with my shirt pulled up. Oooooooooooo! I can sit next to a tree so that way it'll be artsy!"

Afterwards, a million billion pictures have been uploaded of you sitting next to a tree with the caption: "OMGZ! Look at my baby! HE/SHE IS SOOOO CUTE! OMGZ, RIGHT?!"

No. Not OMGZ. We can't see your baby. All we see is you looking like you had one too many watermelons for lunch, you need more clothes, and you probably ruined that horse's day.

As a lady, I beg of you fellow ladies, take classy pregnancy photos. It's possible. I promise. Keep your clothes on, wear some pretty jewelry, grab your husband/baby-daddy, and take a nice family photo at Wal-Mart with the forest background. Or the Christmas tree one if you feel like getting fancy.

I'll close this post by stating that as much as I hate photos like these, I'm probably going to end up becoming one of these women. Except more extreme. Lots of photos involving a TARDIS, maybe the Enterprise, and even me riding a velociraptor naked while holding a kitten. I hope it doesn't come to that.

I also hope my drawings in Paint will get much better as this blog continues.