Anyway, we had to go back and live with our families again for about three weeks due to the late move in date. I was the only one who had a problem with this. I moved away for reasons. Very strong reasons. Like, if reasons could have 16-packs. That strong.
Being back at my family's house wasn't all bad, but mostly because I was never there. I was with my best friend's family the majority of the time. Not to say I don't love my blood family, it's just that I spent 19 years of my life with them. Time for a break, for me and for them. What I don't love is where they live. They moved me to a giant cow field called Pike County. I don't like nature, I don't like country, and the only reason I ever owned a pair of cowboy boots was so that I wouldn't lose a toe from all the animals galloping about. PC is a place to settle down and retire. Not a place to live when you're twenty and having a family isn't even on the list of things to do. At least, from my point of view that's how it is. That's why I live in Atlanta, not Cow Town USA.
I was so very happy when I finally got to start moving my things. So very happy! Mostly because due to my tiny and frail body, I never have to do any heavy lifting. All the furniture was already there and all I have to do was bring up some clothes and a pillow. And even then, Boyfriend carried my clothes.
If you haven't figured it out, I am a child in a twenty-year-old woman's body. If you could see the way I think, it'd all look like the anime show School Rumble. Once we finished unpacking and Boyfriend left for work, I had some time to explore on my own. And by explore, I mean lurk really hard on everything through the window blinds. Even though I didn't actually leave the apartment, I became the weakly female version of Solid Snake form Metal Gear Solid. With a little Mario thrown in for kicks and giggles. So, I went into spy mode.
It was going pretty well. I was finding everyone to look pretty snazzy. Good clothes, good hair, good cars, clean. I had started at the top of my view and was making my way to the bottom when I suddenly remembered that we lived right above the pool. I almost exploded with excitement. People get so comfortable and open at pools. I would be able to hear all sorts of stories! I would get to see so many people looking so very stupid and I would get to laugh at them! It was such a glorious thinking process. I love people watching and eavesdropping on strangers. I might even get some ideas for a cute swimsuit and pick out the best place to lay out for a tan!
I immediately moved my eyes to the pool with sweet anticipation. It was such a huge mistake. As punishment for my nosey ways, the cruel mistress that is Karma filled my hungry eyes with horror. Four times in the same hour.
I had seen four different couples giving four different types of hand jobs. Girl on boy, boy on girl, boy on boy, and girl on girl. I was in so much disbelief. It was the middle of the day! Who does that? IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY?! I still can't believe it. After that day, it continued for a couple weeks. The only day thing after that was men having no problem playing and sucking their ladies' boobies. The rest of it happened at night. A group of homosexual boys, two girls, and a heterosexual couple were in the pool naked one night. I'm pretty sure the couple has sex. A few nights after that, a heterosexual couple was night swimming. At first it was fine, then the swimwear started coming off. Eventually, they were having rather noisy and vigorous sex. It was horrible.
That pool is a cesspool of horribleness. I will never ever get in it. There's no telling how many diseases are in there. Boyfriend said it should be fine because of all the chemicals. I'm convinced those diseases are mutated and feed of those chemicals, like some sort of STD Cafe for slime monsters who only drink chlorine.
I've decided I'm going to invest in a sniper Nerf gun and lots of ammo. I will then paint said Nerf gun black. I will channel my inner Solid Snake and snipe the heck out of anyone who dare comes near that pool after sundown. I might even add little messages on the ammo. Like: "STOP HAVING SEX!" "WE CAN SEE/HEAR YOU!" "MY CHILDREN ARE BEING CORRUPTED BY YOU!"
Or better yet: "Hey! Thanks for being here tonight. I needed some new pictures for my collection. Would you two mind if I could have some locks of your hair? It'll help make the experience real for me."
I'll do whatever it takes to make the horrors at the pool stop forever. If I have to pretend to be a possibly homicidal sex predator in the letters I'll send on my Nerf bullets, I will.
I'LL NEVER FORGET YOU, COLONEL. <3
