All I do now-a-days is work and waste away on Tumblr.
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Sunday, December 2, 2012
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Whistle while you work.
I'm a front service clerk, AKA a bagger. Woo. I bag your groceries, help you out to your car, and clean freaking everything. I've been in this position for about three months now.
None of these things reflect the views of the company I work for. These are my personal views and my views alone.
1] I KNOW the cold items all go together in the same bags. Do not tell me "Put all the cold stuff together, I don't live three steps from here." Oh, really? I thought grocery stores were build inside homes. My bad.
2] If you can walk all the way to the door to return your buggy, you can walk the way THROUGH the door to put the buggy back where you got it. Leaving it literally three to five feet away is ridiculous.
3] If returning the buggy is such a hassle for you, get one of us to help you out just so we can bring it back. Leaving it in the middle of the parking lot where it's a hazard instead of putting it back in the store cart return or the one outside is stupid.
4] Same thing for mobility scooters. I understand you have problems walking and you can't help that. But you can help the fact of leaving the scooter in the middle of the parking lot. Let us help you out so we can bring the thing back for you. You're not the only person in the world who needs to use it.
5] If you can walk just fine, don't take the scooter. If you're not legally handicapped in a way that requires a scooter, don't take the scooter. If you're not injured with a broken leg or broken foot, don't take the scooter.
6] If the only reason you use a scooter is because you're overweight and lazy, don't use the scooter. Get off your butt and start taking care of yourself. That isn't healthy and you deserve better than that for yourself.
7] I cannot sell you lottery tickets or scan your groceries. My position is Front Service Clerk. I put your groceries in a bag, help you to your car, and clean. I am not a Cashier or Customer Service. It's illegal for me to do those things, I haven't been trained, and I would lose my job. Stop throwing a three-year-temper tantrum because I got someone who ACTUALLY KNOWS HOW TO DO WHAT YOU WANT so you don't lose any money and waste your time.
8] When you're coming through the check out line, GET OFF YOUR GOD-FORSAKEN CELL PHONE. It's rude. Plain and simple. Also, it keeps us from doing ours jobs and gets us in trouble later. Also, since you're on your phone, you can't hear us ask how you are, if you have any coupons or reusable bags, or if you'd like help out to your car. And because you don't hear us, when you finally get off your phone, you get mad because you think we ignored you, when in fact YOU ignored US.
9] If you're in the middle of the canned goods and decide you don't want that gallon of milk. Either put it back in the cooler exactly where you got it or get someone who works at the store to put it back for you. DO NOT, DO NOT, DO NOT put it on the floor in the middle of store. It WILL go bad and it not only costs us money, but it costs you money, too.
10] Those little plastic bars are at the check out lane for a reason. Put it at the end of your groceries. Don't get pissed off at the cashier when he/she rings up stuff that isn't yours because you failed to be proactive in separating your stuff from the person behind you.
11] If you come in to put your stuff behind another person and they haven't put the bar down, YOU put the bar down to separate. Once again, don't get mad the cashier because you were the one that failed to be proactive. A one inch gap doesn't tell where who's stuff stops and starts. We're not mind-readers.
12] Remember to have your wallet with you. We can't wait 930483029489023 hours for you to go back and get them,
13] Same thing for reusable bags. You're not the only customer in the store and time doesn't stop for anyone. If you left your bags in your car, just take plastic, let me help you out, when we get to your car I can switch everything into your reusable bags, and then take the plastic and recycle it for you in front of the store.
14] Control your freaking children. If your child isn't capable of acting properly in a public place, don't take the kid with you. Not only is that disturbing everyone else, it's embarrassing you. That makes you mad a the kid even though it didn't choose to come to the store. You made it come with you even though it was crying and stuff before hand. That's YOUR fault, not the kid.
15] If your kid was cool when you walked in then starts acting up later in the store, that's different. However, we do have a bathroom where you can take your kid and calm them down. Once again, be proactive about fixing your problems that disturb everyone else. We'll try and help also, of course. We offer free balloons in the floral section and free cookies in the bakery.
16] WE'RE FREAKING PEOPLE, TOO. If we ask you a question, ANSWER US. Don't talk to everyone except us. We're handling your food and your money. You should probably pay us attention.
17] If the register light is on, the register is open. If the the light is on and there's a customer ahead of you, the register is open. Use your freaking brain.
18] If the light is off, it's not open. If the light is off and there's a customer is there, it's still not open. The cashier is either going on break or their shift is over and the have to clock out. Both are required by law. We can't just clock in and out whenever we want. Each department in a store only gets a certain number of hours for managers to divide among the employees in said departments.
19] If I'm standing near a register, I'm not in a cashier uniform, the light is off, the "Lane is Closed" sign is clearly visible, and I'm cleaning with mop in my hand? THE REGISTER ISN'T OPEN.
20] If you buy food, eat 99% of it and then try and return it because "it didn't taste good", the entire store remembers your face and we hate you for the rest of forever. You're a a thief and a liar. Go shop at a different store.
21] If you want your stuff bagged a certain way, YOU HAVE TO FREAKING TELL ME. I'm not psychic. When I ask you, "Is plastic okay?" Don't freaking say yes when you really want paper and then get mad when I use plastic. What the crap is wrong with you? If you have reusable bags, don't FREAKING HIDE THEM IN YOUR PURSE and wait until I've already put everything in plastic to give them to me. If you have reusable bags, give them to the cashier or bagger first thing. Don't even think about putting your groceries on the belt. BAGS FIRST. If you want paper, SAY YOU WANT FREAKING PAPER. If you want certain items with others, say so. And I don't mean "cold stuff all together" sort of thing. I mean, "I want the yogurt and bread in the same bag because those are going to a different house" sort of thing.
22] We do NOT sell alcohol before 12:30PM on Sundays. Don't pitch a fit because you can't plan ahead and buy it on Saturday. Not our fault. Also, if you're in the store EVERY SINGLE SUNDAY to buy alcohol, don't pretend to not know about it. We know you know. You're not getting to buy it before 12:30PM no matter what. Not happening.
23] I don't know where your freaking car is. You have to lead me there. Pointing in some random direction doesn't help either. "My car is the black SUV." There are always at least five black SUVs in the parking lot at all times. That tells me nothing! Just walk in front of me and I'll follow you. Things get done faster that way.
24] I'm not holding your purse or wallet or payments cards of any sort. I'M NOT STUPID. There's no way I would every put my job or lifestyle at risk for a stranger. Also, I'm not freaking pushing or touching your cart out for you until you your valuables out of it and into your own hands.
25] I'm not holding your baby/child. The only time I will come into any sort of physical contact with your offspring is for high-fives. That's it. I will not escort your kid to the bathroom, to another lane, or to the car while you stay behind to talk to somebody. Your kid, you do it. Once again, I'm not stupid or risking anything for a stranger.
26] We close at 11PM. Do NOT come in a 10:55 and expect us to wait for you to shop. The last register is closed at 11:15PM at the latest and we will NOT check you out.
27] The bread is on the lane that has the giant freaking sign on it that says "BREAD."
Don't get yourself added to this list. And once again, these are my personal views and to do not reflect the views of the company I work for.
None of these things reflect the views of the company I work for. These are my personal views and my views alone.
1] I KNOW the cold items all go together in the same bags. Do not tell me "Put all the cold stuff together, I don't live three steps from here." Oh, really? I thought grocery stores were build inside homes. My bad.
2] If you can walk all the way to the door to return your buggy, you can walk the way THROUGH the door to put the buggy back where you got it. Leaving it literally three to five feet away is ridiculous.
3] If returning the buggy is such a hassle for you, get one of us to help you out just so we can bring it back. Leaving it in the middle of the parking lot where it's a hazard instead of putting it back in the store cart return or the one outside is stupid.
4] Same thing for mobility scooters. I understand you have problems walking and you can't help that. But you can help the fact of leaving the scooter in the middle of the parking lot. Let us help you out so we can bring the thing back for you. You're not the only person in the world who needs to use it.
5] If you can walk just fine, don't take the scooter. If you're not legally handicapped in a way that requires a scooter, don't take the scooter. If you're not injured with a broken leg or broken foot, don't take the scooter.
6] If the only reason you use a scooter is because you're overweight and lazy, don't use the scooter. Get off your butt and start taking care of yourself. That isn't healthy and you deserve better than that for yourself.
7] I cannot sell you lottery tickets or scan your groceries. My position is Front Service Clerk. I put your groceries in a bag, help you to your car, and clean. I am not a Cashier or Customer Service. It's illegal for me to do those things, I haven't been trained, and I would lose my job. Stop throwing a three-year-temper tantrum because I got someone who ACTUALLY KNOWS HOW TO DO WHAT YOU WANT so you don't lose any money and waste your time.
8] When you're coming through the check out line, GET OFF YOUR GOD-FORSAKEN CELL PHONE. It's rude. Plain and simple. Also, it keeps us from doing ours jobs and gets us in trouble later. Also, since you're on your phone, you can't hear us ask how you are, if you have any coupons or reusable bags, or if you'd like help out to your car. And because you don't hear us, when you finally get off your phone, you get mad because you think we ignored you, when in fact YOU ignored US.
9] If you're in the middle of the canned goods and decide you don't want that gallon of milk. Either put it back in the cooler exactly where you got it or get someone who works at the store to put it back for you. DO NOT, DO NOT, DO NOT put it on the floor in the middle of store. It WILL go bad and it not only costs us money, but it costs you money, too.
10] Those little plastic bars are at the check out lane for a reason. Put it at the end of your groceries. Don't get pissed off at the cashier when he/she rings up stuff that isn't yours because you failed to be proactive in separating your stuff from the person behind you.
11] If you come in to put your stuff behind another person and they haven't put the bar down, YOU put the bar down to separate. Once again, don't get mad the cashier because you were the one that failed to be proactive. A one inch gap doesn't tell where who's stuff stops and starts. We're not mind-readers.
12] Remember to have your wallet with you. We can't wait 930483029489023 hours for you to go back and get them,
13] Same thing for reusable bags. You're not the only customer in the store and time doesn't stop for anyone. If you left your bags in your car, just take plastic, let me help you out, when we get to your car I can switch everything into your reusable bags, and then take the plastic and recycle it for you in front of the store.
14] Control your freaking children. If your child isn't capable of acting properly in a public place, don't take the kid with you. Not only is that disturbing everyone else, it's embarrassing you. That makes you mad a the kid even though it didn't choose to come to the store. You made it come with you even though it was crying and stuff before hand. That's YOUR fault, not the kid.
15] If your kid was cool when you walked in then starts acting up later in the store, that's different. However, we do have a bathroom where you can take your kid and calm them down. Once again, be proactive about fixing your problems that disturb everyone else. We'll try and help also, of course. We offer free balloons in the floral section and free cookies in the bakery.
16] WE'RE FREAKING PEOPLE, TOO. If we ask you a question, ANSWER US. Don't talk to everyone except us. We're handling your food and your money. You should probably pay us attention.
17] If the register light is on, the register is open. If the the light is on and there's a customer ahead of you, the register is open. Use your freaking brain.
18] If the light is off, it's not open. If the light is off and there's a customer is there, it's still not open. The cashier is either going on break or their shift is over and the have to clock out. Both are required by law. We can't just clock in and out whenever we want. Each department in a store only gets a certain number of hours for managers to divide among the employees in said departments.
19] If I'm standing near a register, I'm not in a cashier uniform, the light is off, the "Lane is Closed" sign is clearly visible, and I'm cleaning with mop in my hand? THE REGISTER ISN'T OPEN.
20] If you buy food, eat 99% of it and then try and return it because "it didn't taste good", the entire store remembers your face and we hate you for the rest of forever. You're a a thief and a liar. Go shop at a different store.
21] If you want your stuff bagged a certain way, YOU HAVE TO FREAKING TELL ME. I'm not psychic. When I ask you, "Is plastic okay?" Don't freaking say yes when you really want paper and then get mad when I use plastic. What the crap is wrong with you? If you have reusable bags, don't FREAKING HIDE THEM IN YOUR PURSE and wait until I've already put everything in plastic to give them to me. If you have reusable bags, give them to the cashier or bagger first thing. Don't even think about putting your groceries on the belt. BAGS FIRST. If you want paper, SAY YOU WANT FREAKING PAPER. If you want certain items with others, say so. And I don't mean "cold stuff all together" sort of thing. I mean, "I want the yogurt and bread in the same bag because those are going to a different house" sort of thing.
22] We do NOT sell alcohol before 12:30PM on Sundays. Don't pitch a fit because you can't plan ahead and buy it on Saturday. Not our fault. Also, if you're in the store EVERY SINGLE SUNDAY to buy alcohol, don't pretend to not know about it. We know you know. You're not getting to buy it before 12:30PM no matter what. Not happening.
23] I don't know where your freaking car is. You have to lead me there. Pointing in some random direction doesn't help either. "My car is the black SUV." There are always at least five black SUVs in the parking lot at all times. That tells me nothing! Just walk in front of me and I'll follow you. Things get done faster that way.
24] I'm not holding your purse or wallet or payments cards of any sort. I'M NOT STUPID. There's no way I would every put my job or lifestyle at risk for a stranger. Also, I'm not freaking pushing or touching your cart out for you until you your valuables out of it and into your own hands.
25] I'm not holding your baby/child. The only time I will come into any sort of physical contact with your offspring is for high-fives. That's it. I will not escort your kid to the bathroom, to another lane, or to the car while you stay behind to talk to somebody. Your kid, you do it. Once again, I'm not stupid or risking anything for a stranger.
26] We close at 11PM. Do NOT come in a 10:55 and expect us to wait for you to shop. The last register is closed at 11:15PM at the latest and we will NOT check you out.
27] The bread is on the lane that has the giant freaking sign on it that says "BREAD."
Don't get yourself added to this list. And once again, these are my personal views and to do not reflect the views of the company I work for.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Orientation: Day Two
My orientation days were Saturday and Sunday. I went Saturday, as you should have already read about. Saturday night, Boyfriend and I went to the local pizza place for a celebratory dinner. The next morning, I was dying from food poisoning. So, I had to call in and reschedule. It was awkward. I had to go to the nice class on Wednesday instead.
I get there about an hour early because the news lied to me about how bad traffic was going to be. This is pretty much what I did for an hour while waiting to go down to the meeting room:
After an hour of awkward stares and being asked: "Can I help you, ma'am?" I could finally go to the class. I get down there and sit for about another 10 minutes. It was super quite. Unlike Saturday where everyone was about the same age, I was probably the only person under 25. Eventually everyone showed up. Not a word had been said. And then she came in and down right behind me. We'll call her Sue since I have no idea what anyone's names were.
She started asking the girl beside her questions. We'll call this girl Megan. Sue asked her questions like this:
- "What's your name?"
- "What's your store's number?"
- "Where is that?"
- "What position are you going to have?"
Normal questions to ask. No big deal. The only problem at this point was how ridiculously loud she was and the fact the room was huge and had an echo. Then many of us realized the only reason Sue was asking these questions, was so Megan would feel obliged to ask them back and Sue could have the thrill of talking about herself. Like when a girl asks another girl if they have plans for the weekend, so they'll get asked the same question and can brag about all the fun stuff they'll be doing.
As Sue was asking Megan these questions, my little group was discussing Sue's need to talk about herself. That's when things took a turn for the worse and we were desperately trying to figure out a way to save Megan while trying to keep ourselves from being dragged in.
"Where are you from, Megan?" asked Sue.
"Oh, I'm from Westside." answered Megan.
"You couldn't possible know your way around the city then!" exclaimed Sue, LOUDLY.
"I was born and raised here...." Megan awkwardly retorted.
"You haven't been to the store you're going to be working at, have you?" asked Sue.
"I have, actually." replied Megan, obviously confused.
Immediately, I looked to the girl in my group. We'll call her Jasmine. She looked right back at me. We had the same look of utter disbelief.
1] Megan was BORN AND RAISED in this city. Of course there's no way she knows her way around.
2] Never been to her store location. You know, because you turn in your application for work and get interviewed on Pluto.
3] Wtf?
The only question Megan asked was where Sue was from. She said Ohio. Remember that fact.
Lucky for Megan, the orientation leader started class. We'll call her Mercedes. Unlucky for all of us, Mercedes liked Sue.
As our class went on (it was about safety and stuff today) Sue kept talking. The whole time. Everything she said was completely irrelevant to what we were talking about.
"My cousin is in Celtic Fire!"
"I come from a family of fire fighters!"
"It cost $1,200 to clean a drain at my home!"
"I'm from Manhattan, New York!" (Even though earlier she said she was from Ohio.)
"I've lived in Atlanta the longest!" (Even though she's from New Ohio.)
Jasmine and I were seriously debating murder and if life in prison was worth it. We decided if we got the chance, it would be worth it. We never got the chance, though. Every time she opened she opened her mouth, not only did it piss everyone off, it completely threw Mercedes off. She would start talking with Sue with about whatever she said instead of teaching. It was horrible.
We got to the section about what we should do if someone decides to rob the store. Mercedes asked what robbers normally want. Naturally, the answer was money. Sue was not happy about this. She was super set that the only thing ANYONE ever steals is drugs from pharmacies. Not even the drugs on the shelves. Just the ones behind the counter. Even in the stores that DON'T EVEN HAVE ONE.
"What about drugs? People only steal drugs. That's the only thing that gets stolen. It's worth more than money and they use it. Wouldn't they rob the pharmacy instead? Of course the would. Why bother with customer service? People only steal drugs. That's it. You never hear about people stealing money."
Jasmine and I almost fell out of our chairs. Not that her point isn't overall valid, it's just not what Mercedes was looking for because every one of our stores has customer service in the front and it's easy access. They're not going to bother going all the way to the pharmacy. Robbers want to get in and out. So, that argument went on FOREVER.
After that was over, Sue ask "What someone is loitering around outside? Like around the ATM?" A good question. Mercedes answer: "If they're showing suspicious behave, let your manager know and they'll take care of it. There's also cameras outside." That answer was not good enough for Sue.
"But, what if they've been loitering for a long time? What if they keep loitering? Loitering is suspicious at all times. Loitering is bad, you know. Have you ever seen someone loitering before? I've seen loitering before. Loitering is scary."
..............................why? Why would she even bother with that? Who says "loitering" that much in one breath? I mean, really. Typing that word that much has made it lose all it meaning for me. Now it doesn't even look like a word. Thanks a lot, Sue.
I can't even remember what triggered her saying this next thing, but all I can remember is that she started talking. Again. And delayed class. Again. And was talking. Again. And it nothing to do with the subject. FREAKING AGAIN.
She started talking about how she had already worked in a deli for 12 years. We weren't talking about the deli, but her saying that and the way she said it made all of us think she had worked for the company before. Then she some nonsense about the deli standards, something about....I don't know. Stuff that did not matter at all. I had been taking notes on all the ridiculous things she had been saying before, but by this point I just wanted to turn around and throw my booklet in her face. Anyway, after she finished with her rant about herself, she said: "Oh, but it wasn't this company. It was another that was better."
WHAT?! Who says that? To the people who hired you?! WHO?!
Thankfully, we went on our dinner break and we all got a break from Sue. I was eating outside on their super cool tables, enjoying some delicious chicken tenders. I noticed a rolling luggage bag and a backpack unattended on the table about 10 feet away from me. I thought that was weird, but put the thought aside and went on eating. A little while later I noticed a man was over with the bag doing something weird with his clothes. I looked over and was scarred for life.
It was a hobo. He was changing clothes. He had his pants off. I saw penis. I immediately looked away in pure shock. I picked up my things. I went back to the clas room, blind.
I got back into the class room and went to text Boyfriend to let him know when I would be done with class. I was sending the text when class started again and Sue called me out. She didn't tell on me to Mercedes, she just called me out. So, I partly lied to her face. (While you read this, keep this in mind: Sue was wearing a jacket covered in cats, her purse was covered in cats, her earrings were cats, and she has a tan line where a wedding band should have been.)
"You shouldn't be texting during this. You have a lot to learn." - Sue.
(Naturally, my first thought was to maul her face off like a bear.)
"Actually, my cat is really sick and in the hospital. My boyfriend is just keeping me up to date with what the doctors say." - Me.
"Oh, goodness! I'm so sorry! I just thought you didn't care about this job!" - Sue.
(I don't care? I wouldn't even be here if I didn't care!)
"Yeah. Well, I have been job searching for two years and this is the first time anything has every worked out for me. I have bills to pay, a car to buy, and school to start. I can't do these things without money and a secure job. If I didn't care, I wouldn't even be here." - Me.
"I'm so sorry! I should have asked first instead of assuming!" - Sue.
"Yeah, you should have." - Me.
And I turned around and ignored her the rest of the night. Honestly, I felt pretty freaking awesome.
I wanted to put sunglasses on, have someone ask me why I was wearing them inside, and be like, "The sun never sets on a badass." The best thing my friend Daniel ever said and ever will say.
Once class was over, I flew out of there before anyone could talk to me. The class itself taught me a lot and I'm glad I was able to go. It would have been a lot better if Sue hadn't be there.
I get there about an hour early because the news lied to me about how bad traffic was going to be. This is pretty much what I did for an hour while waiting to go down to the meeting room:
After an hour of awkward stares and being asked: "Can I help you, ma'am?" I could finally go to the class. I get down there and sit for about another 10 minutes. It was super quite. Unlike Saturday where everyone was about the same age, I was probably the only person under 25. Eventually everyone showed up. Not a word had been said. And then she came in and down right behind me. We'll call her Sue since I have no idea what anyone's names were.
She started asking the girl beside her questions. We'll call this girl Megan. Sue asked her questions like this:
- "What's your name?"
- "What's your store's number?"
- "Where is that?"
- "What position are you going to have?"
Normal questions to ask. No big deal. The only problem at this point was how ridiculously loud she was and the fact the room was huge and had an echo. Then many of us realized the only reason Sue was asking these questions, was so Megan would feel obliged to ask them back and Sue could have the thrill of talking about herself. Like when a girl asks another girl if they have plans for the weekend, so they'll get asked the same question and can brag about all the fun stuff they'll be doing.
As Sue was asking Megan these questions, my little group was discussing Sue's need to talk about herself. That's when things took a turn for the worse and we were desperately trying to figure out a way to save Megan while trying to keep ourselves from being dragged in.
"Where are you from, Megan?" asked Sue.
"Oh, I'm from Westside." answered Megan.
"You couldn't possible know your way around the city then!" exclaimed Sue, LOUDLY.
"I was born and raised here...." Megan awkwardly retorted.
"You haven't been to the store you're going to be working at, have you?" asked Sue.
"I have, actually." replied Megan, obviously confused.
Immediately, I looked to the girl in my group. We'll call her Jasmine. She looked right back at me. We had the same look of utter disbelief.
1] Megan was BORN AND RAISED in this city. Of course there's no way she knows her way around.
2] Never been to her store location. You know, because you turn in your application for work and get interviewed on Pluto.
3] Wtf?
The only question Megan asked was where Sue was from. She said Ohio. Remember that fact.
Lucky for Megan, the orientation leader started class. We'll call her Mercedes. Unlucky for all of us, Mercedes liked Sue.
As our class went on (it was about safety and stuff today) Sue kept talking. The whole time. Everything she said was completely irrelevant to what we were talking about.
"My cousin is in Celtic Fire!"
"I come from a family of fire fighters!"
"It cost $1,200 to clean a drain at my home!"
"I'm from Manhattan, New York!" (Even though earlier she said she was from Ohio.)
"I've lived in Atlanta the longest!" (Even though she's from New Ohio.)
Jasmine and I were seriously debating murder and if life in prison was worth it. We decided if we got the chance, it would be worth it. We never got the chance, though. Every time she opened she opened her mouth, not only did it piss everyone off, it completely threw Mercedes off. She would start talking with Sue with about whatever she said instead of teaching. It was horrible.
We got to the section about what we should do if someone decides to rob the store. Mercedes asked what robbers normally want. Naturally, the answer was money. Sue was not happy about this. She was super set that the only thing ANYONE ever steals is drugs from pharmacies. Not even the drugs on the shelves. Just the ones behind the counter. Even in the stores that DON'T EVEN HAVE ONE.
"What about drugs? People only steal drugs. That's the only thing that gets stolen. It's worth more than money and they use it. Wouldn't they rob the pharmacy instead? Of course the would. Why bother with customer service? People only steal drugs. That's it. You never hear about people stealing money."
Jasmine and I almost fell out of our chairs. Not that her point isn't overall valid, it's just not what Mercedes was looking for because every one of our stores has customer service in the front and it's easy access. They're not going to bother going all the way to the pharmacy. Robbers want to get in and out. So, that argument went on FOREVER.
After that was over, Sue ask "What someone is loitering around outside? Like around the ATM?" A good question. Mercedes answer: "If they're showing suspicious behave, let your manager know and they'll take care of it. There's also cameras outside." That answer was not good enough for Sue.
"But, what if they've been loitering for a long time? What if they keep loitering? Loitering is suspicious at all times. Loitering is bad, you know. Have you ever seen someone loitering before? I've seen loitering before. Loitering is scary."
..............................why? Why would she even bother with that? Who says "loitering" that much in one breath? I mean, really. Typing that word that much has made it lose all it meaning for me. Now it doesn't even look like a word. Thanks a lot, Sue.
I can't even remember what triggered her saying this next thing, but all I can remember is that she started talking. Again. And delayed class. Again. And was talking. Again. And it nothing to do with the subject. FREAKING AGAIN.
She started talking about how she had already worked in a deli for 12 years. We weren't talking about the deli, but her saying that and the way she said it made all of us think she had worked for the company before. Then she some nonsense about the deli standards, something about....I don't know. Stuff that did not matter at all. I had been taking notes on all the ridiculous things she had been saying before, but by this point I just wanted to turn around and throw my booklet in her face. Anyway, after she finished with her rant about herself, she said: "Oh, but it wasn't this company. It was another that was better."
WHAT?! Who says that? To the people who hired you?! WHO?!
Thankfully, we went on our dinner break and we all got a break from Sue. I was eating outside on their super cool tables, enjoying some delicious chicken tenders. I noticed a rolling luggage bag and a backpack unattended on the table about 10 feet away from me. I thought that was weird, but put the thought aside and went on eating. A little while later I noticed a man was over with the bag doing something weird with his clothes. I looked over and was scarred for life.
It was a hobo. He was changing clothes. He had his pants off. I saw penis. I immediately looked away in pure shock. I picked up my things. I went back to the clas room, blind.
I got back into the class room and went to text Boyfriend to let him know when I would be done with class. I was sending the text when class started again and Sue called me out. She didn't tell on me to Mercedes, she just called me out. So, I partly lied to her face. (While you read this, keep this in mind: Sue was wearing a jacket covered in cats, her purse was covered in cats, her earrings were cats, and she has a tan line where a wedding band should have been.)
"You shouldn't be texting during this. You have a lot to learn." - Sue.
(Naturally, my first thought was to maul her face off like a bear.)
"Actually, my cat is really sick and in the hospital. My boyfriend is just keeping me up to date with what the doctors say." - Me.
"Oh, goodness! I'm so sorry! I just thought you didn't care about this job!" - Sue.
(I don't care? I wouldn't even be here if I didn't care!)
"Yeah. Well, I have been job searching for two years and this is the first time anything has every worked out for me. I have bills to pay, a car to buy, and school to start. I can't do these things without money and a secure job. If I didn't care, I wouldn't even be here." - Me.
"I'm so sorry! I should have asked first instead of assuming!" - Sue.
"Yeah, you should have." - Me.
And I turned around and ignored her the rest of the night. Honestly, I felt pretty freaking awesome.
I wanted to put sunglasses on, have someone ask me why I was wearing them inside, and be like, "The sun never sets on a badass." The best thing my friend Daniel ever said and ever will say.
Once class was over, I flew out of there before anyone could talk to me. The class itself taught me a lot and I'm glad I was able to go. It would have been a lot better if Sue hadn't be there.
Orientation: Day One
So, I was recently hired at my local grocery store. After desperately job searching for two years, I cried I was so happy. Two years of only being able to get a few interviews and never understanding what I was doing wrong, it was good to know I finally must have done something right. I've never been so excited to work at or for anything in my life.
Most people wouldn't be excited to work at a grocery store. However, I'm working for basically the best one in existence. I would say them name, but I'm not sure if I'm actually allowed to do that. So, Imma just play it safe and not type it.
Anyway, I had to go to two days of orientation before I could start working. The first day was basically a history lesson. It was actually pretty awesome. I learned a lot. I even learned life lessons from learning the store's history. I also learned about employee benefits and stuff like that. You know, general stuff. Our orientation learned was super cool and super informative. It was a good day.
What I really want to talk about are some of the people I met there, though. Which means I'm going to completely exaggerate all of them. Here we go!
Old Lady Parvim:
Parvim is quite possibly the sweetest woman I've ever met. And absolutely adorable. She's a little older woman. I'm pretty sure she moved her from a Latin country at some point (legally). Her accent was pretty heavy and sometimes Spanish words would slip out. Lucky for me, I learned some some Spanish in high school. She gave me candy and gum and we talked about all sorts of things. Not much of a story, but she did say "Me gusta" a lot. So, later when I talking about the city of Augusta to Boyfriend, I did not say it correctly. At all. It was pretty embarrassing. I'll be working at the same store as her, which is pretty exciting.
Maximilian:
Max was an interesting one. He liked to talk, a lot. Which was good for me because nobody else was talking and I felt super awkward. So, we hit it off pretty fast. He's a cool guy. He also enjoys Doctor Who. I would type more, but we talked about A LOT of random stuff and the conversation hopped around a lot. It would just be confusing to read. So, here's a picture of us with the Doctor.
There's some more people, but the last one I'm going to talk about is Alpha.
Alpha:
I didn't get to talk to Alpha much at all. Only for a little bit before class started. But, it was worth it. Alpha was the coolest. Cool name, cool accent, cool clothes, cool everything. I wish I had gotten his number so her could come hang with me, Boyfriend, and Bearded Roommate. The first thing I thought when I found out his name? TEEN WOLF. So, I asked if he had ever watched it. He was not happy about that.
From that point on, whenever I looked at Alpha, I saw this:
It was pretty hilarious. Especially since he didn't say one word for the rest of the day.
Overall, day one of orientation was pretty great. I learned a lot, made some friends, and got a free lunch.
My next blog post is going to be about Day Two of orientation. Which was HORRIBLE.
Most people wouldn't be excited to work at a grocery store. However, I'm working for basically the best one in existence. I would say them name, but I'm not sure if I'm actually allowed to do that. So, Imma just play it safe and not type it.
Anyway, I had to go to two days of orientation before I could start working. The first day was basically a history lesson. It was actually pretty awesome. I learned a lot. I even learned life lessons from learning the store's history. I also learned about employee benefits and stuff like that. You know, general stuff. Our orientation learned was super cool and super informative. It was a good day.
What I really want to talk about are some of the people I met there, though. Which means I'm going to completely exaggerate all of them. Here we go!
Old Lady Parvim:
Parvim is quite possibly the sweetest woman I've ever met. And absolutely adorable. She's a little older woman. I'm pretty sure she moved her from a Latin country at some point (legally). Her accent was pretty heavy and sometimes Spanish words would slip out. Lucky for me, I learned some some Spanish in high school. She gave me candy and gum and we talked about all sorts of things. Not much of a story, but she did say "Me gusta" a lot. So, later when I talking about the city of Augusta to Boyfriend, I did not say it correctly. At all. It was pretty embarrassing. I'll be working at the same store as her, which is pretty exciting.
Maximilian:
Max was an interesting one. He liked to talk, a lot. Which was good for me because nobody else was talking and I felt super awkward. So, we hit it off pretty fast. He's a cool guy. He also enjoys Doctor Who. I would type more, but we talked about A LOT of random stuff and the conversation hopped around a lot. It would just be confusing to read. So, here's a picture of us with the Doctor.
There's some more people, but the last one I'm going to talk about is Alpha.
Alpha:
I didn't get to talk to Alpha much at all. Only for a little bit before class started. But, it was worth it. Alpha was the coolest. Cool name, cool accent, cool clothes, cool everything. I wish I had gotten his number so her could come hang with me, Boyfriend, and Bearded Roommate. The first thing I thought when I found out his name? TEEN WOLF. So, I asked if he had ever watched it. He was not happy about that.
From that point on, whenever I looked at Alpha, I saw this:
It was pretty hilarious. Especially since he didn't say one word for the rest of the day.
Overall, day one of orientation was pretty great. I learned a lot, made some friends, and got a free lunch.
My next blog post is going to be about Day Two of orientation. Which was HORRIBLE.
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Monday, July 23, 2012
I want you to stay with me, forever.
With our two year anniversary being next month, all I can think about is my relationship with Boyfriend and how we got to where we are now. In the past, something like this would have made me feel all girly and stupid. I wouldn't have said a word for fear of people making fun of me. Now, I don't give a poop about what anyone thinks. So, I'm going to type our story up to present day, from my point of view.
We have no idea how we met and we like it that way. We've got it narrowed down to 8th grade English class or meeting in a hallway during high school through a mutual friend. Nothing fancy. We never really talked until senior year and even then we pretty much only used each other for flirting. That was it. No real feelings, just poking at each other and hugs.
As senior year came to close, Boyfriend started sitting at my lunch table and we became friends. At the time, I was still dealing with a Chernobyl of emotions named Justen. We had never actually been a couple. I was just head over heels for something I knew I could never have. You know, the whole "forbidden fruit" thing. So, I was working on getting rid of those feelings. Boyfriend, and every person ever alive, was well aware of that. It was no secret. It never really was, now that I think about it.
As senior year came to close, Boyfriend started sitting at my lunch table and we became friends. At the time, I was still dealing with a Chernobyl of emotions named Justen. We had never actually been a couple. I was just head over heels for something I knew I could never have. You know, the whole "forbidden fruit" thing. So, I was working on getting rid of those feelings. Boyfriend, and every person ever alive, was well aware of that. It was no secret. It never really was, now that I think about it.
Anyway. Boyfriend, myself, and two other boys formed a little group as we got closer to graduation. After we graduated, the four of us spent basically every single second of our free time together during the summer of 2010. As soon as we all got off work, we'd meet up. As soon as we woke up, we'd all get together. We eventually built a tree house together and turned into a pretty tight-knit little gang over the whole project. It was awesome. It's the best summer I think any of us have ever had.
Boyfriend and I had never spent any time alone together over the entire summer. So, we never really knew each other all that well. However, as the summer went on, I found that one of top reasons for hanging out with the gang was to see him. I was still dealing with getting over Justen, so I was worried that I was rebounding just to help myself along. I didn't want that. I didn't need another pile of emotions to deal with and it would just be rude to do to him.
So, I just did my best to keep all interactions to just the playful-no-real-feelings flirting that everyone does with everyone and hoped that if Boyfriend had any sort of interest in me that he would act upon it. However, my plan didn't work and I found myself liking Boyfriend quite a lot. As summer started coming to a close and we were all going our separate ways, Boyfriend told me he would leaving for college soon. My heart started breaking. It was then that I knew I wasn't rebounding and I really did want this boy.
So, I just did my best to keep all interactions to just the playful-no-real-feelings flirting that everyone does with everyone and hoped that if Boyfriend had any sort of interest in me that he would act upon it. However, my plan didn't work and I found myself liking Boyfriend quite a lot. As summer started coming to a close and we were all going our separate ways, Boyfriend told me he would leaving for college soon. My heart started breaking. It was then that I knew I wasn't rebounding and I really did want this boy.
Lucky for me, he suggested that we hang out. And we did, a lot. Just the two us. We still did our normal routine, but it was different. It was more personal. We got to know each other better and better. And in turn, I fell for him more and more. It was never dates, just walking around stores together and talking. Then it came time for him to leave for college.
I was very, very upset. It was the last time we'd probably ever hang out. We said we'd keep in touch and hang out whenever he was home on break, but deep down I knew that's not how it ever works. Even so, it was a great day that pretty much turned into a date. That night, with the helpful harassing of some friends, he kissed me and it was magical. Saying goodbye that night was awful, though. Absolutely awful.
I was very, very upset. It was the last time we'd probably ever hang out. We said we'd keep in touch and hang out whenever he was home on break, but deep down I knew that's not how it ever works. Even so, it was a great day that pretty much turned into a date. That night, with the helpful harassing of some friends, he kissed me and it was magical. Saying goodbye that night was awful, though. Absolutely awful.
The next few days we talked on the phone every night. That Tuesday, we had a rather awkward phone call about where our relationship stood and became a couple. Having a long distance relationship was pretty scary at first. Easier than I expected, but scary. I was always worried he was going to meet some other girl at college. It also didn't help that his dad didn't approve because he thought I was just an excuse for Boyfriend to hold on to something from home and I'd hold him back in school. We made things work, though.
Two years later, we're happier than ever and plan on getting married once Boyfriend has graduated and we're both financially independent. We love each other's families and they love us. We can work through almost any problem we have without fighting. We make each other better and put up with each other's goofs like no one else ever has. (Mostly he puts up with me. I'm difficult.) We're both virgins and are staying that way until our wedding night. And we both want nothing more than to spend the rest of our lives together.
I know this is cliche, but we're perfect for each other. Every time I see him I can't help but think how blessed I was to have been lucky enough to find my soul mate this soon in my life.
Before I get anymore mushy and disgusting, I'll stop there. That's pretty much our story with some details missing. Gotta keep it the best parts between me and Boyfriend to keep it special, you know?
I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed typing it.
Two years later, we're happier than ever and plan on getting married once Boyfriend has graduated and we're both financially independent. We love each other's families and they love us. We can work through almost any problem we have without fighting. We make each other better and put up with each other's goofs like no one else ever has. (Mostly he puts up with me. I'm difficult.) We're both virgins and are staying that way until our wedding night. And we both want nothing more than to spend the rest of our lives together.
I know this is cliche, but we're perfect for each other. Every time I see him I can't help but think how blessed I was to have been lucky enough to find my soul mate this soon in my life.
Before I get anymore mushy and disgusting, I'll stop there. That's pretty much our story with some details missing. Gotta keep it the best parts between me and Boyfriend to keep it special, you know?
I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed typing it.
Friday, July 6, 2012
Karma is a cruel mistress.
A few weeks ago I moved into my new apartment with Boyfriend, Bearded Roommate, and sometimes Puppies. (Puppies is Bearded Roommate's girlfriend.) Our previous living space was very nice, but there were a few problems. The cost was too much and living with Ginger Roommate just wasn't working. Just because you can be really good friends with someone doesn't mean you'll live well together.
Anyway, we had to go back and live with our families again for about three weeks due to the late move in date. I was the only one who had a problem with this. I moved away for reasons. Very strong reasons. Like, if reasons could have 16-packs. That strong.
Being back at my family's house wasn't all bad, but mostly because I was never there. I was with my best friend's family the majority of the time. Not to say I don't love my blood family, it's just that I spent 19 years of my life with them. Time for a break, for me and for them. What I don't love is where they live. They moved me to a giant cow field called Pike County. I don't like nature, I don't like country, and the only reason I ever owned a pair of cowboy boots was so that I wouldn't lose a toe from all the animals galloping about. PC is a place to settle down and retire. Not a place to live when you're twenty and having a family isn't even on the list of things to do. At least, from my point of view that's how it is. That's why I live in Atlanta, not Cow Town USA.
I was so very happy when I finally got to start moving my things. So very happy! Mostly because due to my tiny and frail body, I never have to do any heavy lifting. All the furniture was already there and all I have to do was bring up some clothes and a pillow. And even then, Boyfriend carried my clothes.
If you haven't figured it out, I am a child in a twenty-year-old woman's body. If you could see the way I think, it'd all look like the anime show School Rumble. Once we finished unpacking and Boyfriend left for work, I had some time to explore on my own. And by explore, I mean lurk really hard on everything through the window blinds. Even though I didn't actually leave the apartment, I became the weakly female version of Solid Snake form Metal Gear Solid. With a little Mario thrown in for kicks and giggles. So, I went into spy mode.
It was going pretty well. I was finding everyone to look pretty snazzy. Good clothes, good hair, good cars, clean. I had started at the top of my view and was making my way to the bottom when I suddenly remembered that we lived right above the pool. I almost exploded with excitement. People get so comfortable and open at pools. I would be able to hear all sorts of stories! I would get to see so many people looking so very stupid and I would get to laugh at them! It was such a glorious thinking process. I love people watching and eavesdropping on strangers. I might even get some ideas for a cute swimsuit and pick out the best place to lay out for a tan!
I immediately moved my eyes to the pool with sweet anticipation. It was such a huge mistake. As punishment for my nosey ways, the cruel mistress that is Karma filled my hungry eyes with horror. Four times in the same hour.
I had seen four different couples giving four different types of hand jobs. Girl on boy, boy on girl, boy on boy, and girl on girl. I was in so much disbelief. It was the middle of the day! Who does that? IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY?! I still can't believe it. After that day, it continued for a couple weeks. The only day thing after that was men having no problem playing and sucking their ladies' boobies. The rest of it happened at night. A group of homosexual boys, two girls, and a heterosexual couple were in the pool naked one night. I'm pretty sure the couple has sex. A few nights after that, a heterosexual couple was night swimming. At first it was fine, then the swimwear started coming off. Eventually, they were having rather noisy and vigorous sex. It was horrible.
That pool is a cesspool of horribleness. I will never ever get in it. There's no telling how many diseases are in there. Boyfriend said it should be fine because of all the chemicals. I'm convinced those diseases are mutated and feed of those chemicals, like some sort of STD Cafe for slime monsters who only drink chlorine.
I've decided I'm going to invest in a sniper Nerf gun and lots of ammo. I will then paint said Nerf gun black. I will channel my inner Solid Snake and snipe the heck out of anyone who dare comes near that pool after sundown. I might even add little messages on the ammo. Like: "STOP HAVING SEX!" "WE CAN SEE/HEAR YOU!" "MY CHILDREN ARE BEING CORRUPTED BY YOU!"
Or better yet: "Hey! Thanks for being here tonight. I needed some new pictures for my collection. Would you two mind if I could have some locks of your hair? It'll help make the experience real for me."
I'll do whatever it takes to make the horrors at the pool stop forever. If I have to pretend to be a possibly homicidal sex predator in the letters I'll send on my Nerf bullets, I will.
I'LL NEVER FORGET YOU, COLONEL. <3
Anyway, we had to go back and live with our families again for about three weeks due to the late move in date. I was the only one who had a problem with this. I moved away for reasons. Very strong reasons. Like, if reasons could have 16-packs. That strong.
Being back at my family's house wasn't all bad, but mostly because I was never there. I was with my best friend's family the majority of the time. Not to say I don't love my blood family, it's just that I spent 19 years of my life with them. Time for a break, for me and for them. What I don't love is where they live. They moved me to a giant cow field called Pike County. I don't like nature, I don't like country, and the only reason I ever owned a pair of cowboy boots was so that I wouldn't lose a toe from all the animals galloping about. PC is a place to settle down and retire. Not a place to live when you're twenty and having a family isn't even on the list of things to do. At least, from my point of view that's how it is. That's why I live in Atlanta, not Cow Town USA.
I was so very happy when I finally got to start moving my things. So very happy! Mostly because due to my tiny and frail body, I never have to do any heavy lifting. All the furniture was already there and all I have to do was bring up some clothes and a pillow. And even then, Boyfriend carried my clothes.
If you haven't figured it out, I am a child in a twenty-year-old woman's body. If you could see the way I think, it'd all look like the anime show School Rumble. Once we finished unpacking and Boyfriend left for work, I had some time to explore on my own. And by explore, I mean lurk really hard on everything through the window blinds. Even though I didn't actually leave the apartment, I became the weakly female version of Solid Snake form Metal Gear Solid. With a little Mario thrown in for kicks and giggles. So, I went into spy mode.
It was going pretty well. I was finding everyone to look pretty snazzy. Good clothes, good hair, good cars, clean. I had started at the top of my view and was making my way to the bottom when I suddenly remembered that we lived right above the pool. I almost exploded with excitement. People get so comfortable and open at pools. I would be able to hear all sorts of stories! I would get to see so many people looking so very stupid and I would get to laugh at them! It was such a glorious thinking process. I love people watching and eavesdropping on strangers. I might even get some ideas for a cute swimsuit and pick out the best place to lay out for a tan!
I immediately moved my eyes to the pool with sweet anticipation. It was such a huge mistake. As punishment for my nosey ways, the cruel mistress that is Karma filled my hungry eyes with horror. Four times in the same hour.
I had seen four different couples giving four different types of hand jobs. Girl on boy, boy on girl, boy on boy, and girl on girl. I was in so much disbelief. It was the middle of the day! Who does that? IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY?! I still can't believe it. After that day, it continued for a couple weeks. The only day thing after that was men having no problem playing and sucking their ladies' boobies. The rest of it happened at night. A group of homosexual boys, two girls, and a heterosexual couple were in the pool naked one night. I'm pretty sure the couple has sex. A few nights after that, a heterosexual couple was night swimming. At first it was fine, then the swimwear started coming off. Eventually, they were having rather noisy and vigorous sex. It was horrible.
That pool is a cesspool of horribleness. I will never ever get in it. There's no telling how many diseases are in there. Boyfriend said it should be fine because of all the chemicals. I'm convinced those diseases are mutated and feed of those chemicals, like some sort of STD Cafe for slime monsters who only drink chlorine.
I've decided I'm going to invest in a sniper Nerf gun and lots of ammo. I will then paint said Nerf gun black. I will channel my inner Solid Snake and snipe the heck out of anyone who dare comes near that pool after sundown. I might even add little messages on the ammo. Like: "STOP HAVING SEX!" "WE CAN SEE/HEAR YOU!" "MY CHILDREN ARE BEING CORRUPTED BY YOU!"
Or better yet: "Hey! Thanks for being here tonight. I needed some new pictures for my collection. Would you two mind if I could have some locks of your hair? It'll help make the experience real for me."
I'll do whatever it takes to make the horrors at the pool stop forever. If I have to pretend to be a possibly homicidal sex predator in the letters I'll send on my Nerf bullets, I will.
I'LL NEVER FORGET YOU, COLONEL. <3
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Tweet, tweet.
I've recently started using Twitter. I've had an account for a while, but I never touched it because I didn't understand. I finally realized it's just constant status updates.
Anyway, you should follow me on there. Since most of the people who read my blog are from everywhere but the USA, I was going to post the link in each language. I though it would be cool. However, I tried and it refuses to let me do that. Sorry, guys.
FOLLOW ME!
https://twitter.com/#!/Ewizabeff
It'll be fun, I promise.
Anyway, you should follow me on there. Since most of the people who read my blog are from everywhere but the USA, I was going to post the link in each language. I though it would be cool. However, I tried and it refuses to let me do that. Sorry, guys.
FOLLOW ME!
https://twitter.com/#!/Ewizabeff
It'll be fun, I promise.
Friday, June 8, 2012
Video killed the radio star.
Yesterday on Twitter, good ol' Neil Patirck Harris tweeted a video. He never lets me down. If you grew up watching Mister Rodgers like I did, this is a video for you. If you didn't, it's still a pretty great video.
REMIX TO THE MAX.
Saturday, June 2, 2012
Not for laughs.
I was recently at a McDonald's with my adopted family and on our way out there was a very, very, VERY drunk man. It was only 8:00PM and the sun was still out. So, we found it be completely ridiculous. He almost fell on top of my mother, could barely stand let alone walk, was spilling his cola absolutely everywhere, tried getting into the driver side of a truck, and was scaring the heck out of my sisters and myself.
Once he and his DD finally left, I posted a Facebook status:
"
Once he and his DD finally left, I posted a Facebook status:
"
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Boobies All Over the Place.
I watch a lot of TLC. A LOT. Mostly Say Yes to the Dress. If you've never watched SYTTD, lemme explain. It's by women, for women. Brides-to-be go to find their perfect wedding dress. Usually, they bring a group of other women to help pick it out. As a female, I think that's a terrible idea. Women can hardly handle having one woman tell them that their earrings don't match their shoes, let alone a group of women telling them that their future wedding dress doesn't look good.
I've never understood it. Why on earth would you take a whole gaggle of women with you? They're women. Every lady has their own idea of what a wedding dress should look like. An idea that is always based on what that individual thinks they would look like in the dress and what they want in a wedding dress. Not the bride, but themselves. Whether they'll admit it or not, that's how it always is.
So, let's talk about the proper manners for when you're helping your friend find her perfect dress.
1] It's about the bride. Not you. So, don't show out or any of that nonsense. The bride is suppose to be the center of attention. Don't be a spotlight snatcher. If you do anything negative like that, that's how everyone is going to remember you when it comes to the wedding. Not cool.
2] You are capable of being honest, while still being polite. It's okay to not like some of the dresses a bride picks to try on. However, don't be a butt-face about it. Think about why you don't like the dress, but also think about what you do like. Then with kind words and respect, let the bride know what you don't like and explain why. After that, be sure to point out the things you do like. Especially things that flatter the bride and help her look her best. "I don't like straps because they are fluffy and I feel they distract from your face and the rest of the dress. However, I love the way the dress itself frames your body and the sweetheart neckline."
3] It's not a competition. This one can go for the bride, too. If you have already been married or are also in the process of finding a dress, check yo' self before you wreck yo' self . You have/had your day, she has hers. It doesn't matter if someone has a better dress than somebody else. The only things that matter it that a woman looks/feels beautiful and she's marrying the man that she's meant to be with for the rest of her life.
4] SHADDUP. Nobody cares. If the bride wants a dress made by blind rats in a garbage bin, then hey, so be it. You don't have to wear it. So what does it matter? That's right, it doesn't.
Now, when it comes to the dresses for the bridesmaids, the rules change. It's still pretty much about the bride, but the bridesmaids actually have some real say in the matter. The basic rules for bridesmaids are to respect what the bride wants, even if it makes you look like an idiot. However, that doesn't mean you can't speak up. Brides, you need to respect your bridesmaids' wants and needs in the dress they'll be wearing. Yeah, it's your wedding, but your ladies' feelings matter. I'll do a series of pictures to explain.
Brides, let's say you're having the bridesmaids try on dresses and one says: "I don't want to wear this."
Instead of doing this:
Take a deep breath and do this:
It could be any number of reasons. Some completely stupid, other not so much.
Stupid reasons: Good reasons:
- Color. - Length.
- Beading. - Fit.
- Amount of fluffy. - Level of comfort.
- Amount of "bling." - Health.
- Amount of flowers.
If a bridesmaid tries to give you one of the stupid reasons, tell them this:
"I'm sorry you feel that way, but I'm not changing my entire color theme" or something like that.
If they decide to pitch a fit about it, say this:
"Look. You can either wear it or just not be a bridesmaid at all. Your pick."
Now, if they give you one of the good reasons, that's a different story. When it comes to comfort and health, you really need to take that into consideration. If your ladies aren't happy, it's going to be a big gray cloud over your big white day. Health reasons are rare, so don't worry about that happening too much. Comfort can be pretty common. If the dresses makes your ladies itch or hurt, it's going to be a problem. No one likes being uncomfortable.
The most important thing of all is to respect your bridesmaids' wishes when it comes to the length and fit of the dress. Most women don't want to look like hookers at a wedding. Even then, some women just have religious views about it or they were raised a certain way when it comes to clothing. If your ladies don't want to wear anything shorter than a knee-length or tea-length dress, don't pressure them into something shorter. If they don't want to wear something that hugs every curve and wave, don't make them. Yeah, again, it's your day. But is it really worth making people you care about, enough to call them your bridesmaids, super uncomfortable and probably none-too-pleased with you? No, it's not. It's extremely possible to find great bridesmaids dresses that look great and still fit every ones' needs and wants. Besides, it generally looks pretty tacky if your ladies are up in the church looking slutty with their boobies all over the place.
There's a lot of ways to handle the process of finding a wedding dress and bridesmaids dresses. Some wrong, some right, some iffy. You've just got to remember that polite words, respect, compromise, and keeping your mouth shut go both ways.
I've never understood it. Why on earth would you take a whole gaggle of women with you? They're women. Every lady has their own idea of what a wedding dress should look like. An idea that is always based on what that individual thinks they would look like in the dress and what they want in a wedding dress. Not the bride, but themselves. Whether they'll admit it or not, that's how it always is.
So, let's talk about the proper manners for when you're helping your friend find her perfect dress.
1] It's about the bride. Not you. So, don't show out or any of that nonsense. The bride is suppose to be the center of attention. Don't be a spotlight snatcher. If you do anything negative like that, that's how everyone is going to remember you when it comes to the wedding. Not cool.
2] You are capable of being honest, while still being polite. It's okay to not like some of the dresses a bride picks to try on. However, don't be a butt-face about it. Think about why you don't like the dress, but also think about what you do like. Then with kind words and respect, let the bride know what you don't like and explain why. After that, be sure to point out the things you do like. Especially things that flatter the bride and help her look her best. "I don't like straps because they are fluffy and I feel they distract from your face and the rest of the dress. However, I love the way the dress itself frames your body and the sweetheart neckline."
3] It's not a competition. This one can go for the bride, too. If you have already been married or are also in the process of finding a dress, check yo' self before you wreck yo' self . You have/had your day, she has hers. It doesn't matter if someone has a better dress than somebody else. The only things that matter it that a woman looks/feels beautiful and she's marrying the man that she's meant to be with for the rest of her life.
4] SHADDUP. Nobody cares. If the bride wants a dress made by blind rats in a garbage bin, then hey, so be it. You don't have to wear it. So what does it matter? That's right, it doesn't.
Now, when it comes to the dresses for the bridesmaids, the rules change. It's still pretty much about the bride, but the bridesmaids actually have some real say in the matter. The basic rules for bridesmaids are to respect what the bride wants, even if it makes you look like an idiot. However, that doesn't mean you can't speak up. Brides, you need to respect your bridesmaids' wants and needs in the dress they'll be wearing. Yeah, it's your wedding, but your ladies' feelings matter. I'll do a series of pictures to explain.
Brides, let's say you're having the bridesmaids try on dresses and one says: "I don't want to wear this."
Instead of doing this:
Take a deep breath and do this:
It could be any number of reasons. Some completely stupid, other not so much.
Stupid reasons: Good reasons:
- Color. - Length.
- Beading. - Fit.
- Amount of fluffy. - Level of comfort.
- Amount of "bling." - Health.
- Amount of flowers.
If a bridesmaid tries to give you one of the stupid reasons, tell them this:
"I'm sorry you feel that way, but I'm not changing my entire color theme" or something like that.
If they decide to pitch a fit about it, say this:
"Look. You can either wear it or just not be a bridesmaid at all. Your pick."
Now, if they give you one of the good reasons, that's a different story. When it comes to comfort and health, you really need to take that into consideration. If your ladies aren't happy, it's going to be a big gray cloud over your big white day. Health reasons are rare, so don't worry about that happening too much. Comfort can be pretty common. If the dresses makes your ladies itch or hurt, it's going to be a problem. No one likes being uncomfortable.
The most important thing of all is to respect your bridesmaids' wishes when it comes to the length and fit of the dress. Most women don't want to look like hookers at a wedding. Even then, some women just have religious views about it or they were raised a certain way when it comes to clothing. If your ladies don't want to wear anything shorter than a knee-length or tea-length dress, don't pressure them into something shorter. If they don't want to wear something that hugs every curve and wave, don't make them. Yeah, again, it's your day. But is it really worth making people you care about, enough to call them your bridesmaids, super uncomfortable and probably none-too-pleased with you? No, it's not. It's extremely possible to find great bridesmaids dresses that look great and still fit every ones' needs and wants. Besides, it generally looks pretty tacky if your ladies are up in the church looking slutty with their boobies all over the place.
There's a lot of ways to handle the process of finding a wedding dress and bridesmaids dresses. Some wrong, some right, some iffy. You've just got to remember that polite words, respect, compromise, and keeping your mouth shut go both ways.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Words can't explain.
I'd like to tell you about Betty. This is her. ↓↓↓
She's my internet best friend. We've never actually met in real life even though we've always lived in the same area. I vaguely remember seeing her at a show or two, but that's probably completely incorrect. I have a terrible memory. Anyway. I'd like to explain to you why she's so awesome.
- Gorgeous.
- Honduran.
- I haven't had them, but I know she makes the best Spicy Chicken Tacos in the known universe.
- Always wins. Always.
- Has ducks.
- Has a cat.
- BETTY DON'T TAKE ANYBODY'S SH*T.
- Likes pugs.
- Makes some pretty sweet feather earrings.
- Plays Words With Friends like a freaking champ.
- Well-rounded.
- Sophisticated.
- Knows fun facts.
- Responsible.
- Not slutty.
- Watches Boy Meets World.
- CLEVER..
- She's a "Buy one, get one" deal with this guy named Michael. ↓↓↓
Michael pretty freaking sweet himself. Betty and Michael are a "Buy one, get one" deal crafted by the gods.
In all honesty, I could type all day and you would still have no idea how awesome Betty is. So, I found some pictures that I hope will somewhat explain.
Friday, April 27, 2012
Ghostly Ghosts.
I really shouldn't be left alone for any amount of time. Just like with a new kitten or a dog with some serious separation anxiety, bad stuff happens. One bad thing being I watch too much of a show on TV and it has a huge affect on my life for the next week.
Whenever my boyfriend and bearded roommate are at school, I can watch whatever I want. Generally, it's Toddlers & Tiaras or My Little Pony. I can't watch it any other time because they won't have any of that. Yesterday, my shows of choice were Ghost Hunters and ghost-themed episodes of Destination Truth. So, without even taking a second to consider the fact that watching 5 hours of ghosts and ghouls could have some serious consequences, I giddily jumped into the wonderful world of frights.
I had already watched Wrong Turn 4: Bloody Beginnings a couple nights before and had a pretty graphic nightmares from it. On top of that terrible choice and ignoring how my imagination punished me for it, I made yet another terrible choice. So, not even a quarter-way through my five hours of ghosts, I was already mega-jumpy. Even worse, my ginger roommate was present and my pride was forcing me from showing my pure fear.
On the outside, I was one cool cat.
Once my ginger roommate left to go out and have a life, I stayed put to not have a life and allowed the fear to take over. By this point, Ghost Hunters had gone off and Destination Truth was on. Also, they had already done the ghost-themed episodes and now it was just all about mythical creatures. Normally, I have a lot of fun with that. Not this time. My fear rolled-over from Ghost Hunters and injected itself straight into my love for pretend animals and turned it into sheer terror.
The worst part was when they looking for Chupacabra. My greatest enemy.
As a small child, Chupacabra was the Demon Lord and creator of all things evil in my world. If I had to choose now, he would still be the Demon Lord. Actually, I would just consider him the embodiment of everything that has ever or will ever scare me or cause me harm.
When Chupacabra reared his ugly 3-D rendered butt-face on that TV, I shrieked. I couldn't believe it. Of all the ungodly horrible creatures they could be hunting for, it had to Chupacabra.
I sat on the couch hugging a pillow and jumping at every noise for the next 30 minutes. I also spent the majority of that time trying to melt Chupacabra with my brain every time he showed up on the TV.
Much to my dismay, nothing melted or even smoked a tiny bit. I am not Matilda and I will never be able to do that.
Chupacabra had once again smashed my hopes and dreams. Smashed them into his delicious nightly protein shake made of Mexican livestock for an extra flavor boost.
Soon, I'll beat Chupacabra. I'll hunt him down and Kali Ma him into oblivion.
SOON, CHUPACABRA. SOON.
Whenever my boyfriend and bearded roommate are at school, I can watch whatever I want. Generally, it's Toddlers & Tiaras or My Little Pony. I can't watch it any other time because they won't have any of that. Yesterday, my shows of choice were Ghost Hunters and ghost-themed episodes of Destination Truth. So, without even taking a second to consider the fact that watching 5 hours of ghosts and ghouls could have some serious consequences, I giddily jumped into the wonderful world of frights.
I had already watched Wrong Turn 4: Bloody Beginnings a couple nights before and had a pretty graphic nightmares from it. On top of that terrible choice and ignoring how my imagination punished me for it, I made yet another terrible choice. So, not even a quarter-way through my five hours of ghosts, I was already mega-jumpy. Even worse, my ginger roommate was present and my pride was forcing me from showing my pure fear.
On the outside, I was one cool cat.
On the inside, I was FREAKING THE F--- OUT.
Once my ginger roommate left to go out and have a life, I stayed put to not have a life and allowed the fear to take over. By this point, Ghost Hunters had gone off and Destination Truth was on. Also, they had already done the ghost-themed episodes and now it was just all about mythical creatures. Normally, I have a lot of fun with that. Not this time. My fear rolled-over from Ghost Hunters and injected itself straight into my love for pretend animals and turned it into sheer terror.
The worst part was when they looking for Chupacabra. My greatest enemy.
As a small child, Chupacabra was the Demon Lord and creator of all things evil in my world. If I had to choose now, he would still be the Demon Lord. Actually, I would just consider him the embodiment of everything that has ever or will ever scare me or cause me harm.
When Chupacabra reared his ugly 3-D rendered butt-face on that TV, I shrieked. I couldn't believe it. Of all the ungodly horrible creatures they could be hunting for, it had to Chupacabra.
I sat on the couch hugging a pillow and jumping at every noise for the next 30 minutes. I also spent the majority of that time trying to melt Chupacabra with my brain every time he showed up on the TV.
Much to my dismay, nothing melted or even smoked a tiny bit. I am not Matilda and I will never be able to do that.
Chupacabra had once again smashed my hopes and dreams. Smashed them into his delicious nightly protein shake made of Mexican livestock for an extra flavor boost.
Soon, I'll beat Chupacabra. I'll hunt him down and Kali Ma him into oblivion.
SOON, CHUPACABRA. SOON.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
"Eternal chaos comes with chocolate rain, guys!"
A few days ago my good friend Mayo introduced me to the children's show My Little Pony - Friendship is Magic.
I'll be honest, I wasn't too sure about it. Then I watched the first three episodes of season one..........
REASON 1: My generation has gained the skill to keep and appreciate their "inner child."
Every pony has their own distinct personality and voice. (None of that recycling the same voices for other characters crap like Skyrim did.) Just like the rabbit that stole Frank's soul on It's Always Sunny, these ponies steal your heart and never give it back. You'll be okay with it, though. Instead of getting eaten by a hawk, they cuddle your heart with everything that is good in the world.
There's a pony for everyone. Whether you like it or not, your soul will never be complete until you figure out which one it is. Trust me. I've yet to figure out my soul pony, and it's terrible.
Watch My Little Pony. It WILL change your life.
I'll be honest, I wasn't too sure about it. Then I watched the first three episodes of season one..........
Before I could even realized what had happened, I mentally sprouted a colorful mane, tail, and a Sun-shaped Cutie Mark. I've been a Pega-sister ever since. Not as cool a name as "Brony" which is a male MLP fan, but still cool.
I've been trying to figure out what makes this show so appealing to the 18 - 26 age group rather than the 4 - 10 age group it was created for. I think I've come up with some pretty good reasons.
REASON 1: My generation has gained the skill to keep and appreciate their "inner child."
Other generations can do this. However, based on my experiences and observations from middle school to now, no other generation has even come close to the sheer amount my generation has. Or at least to the scale my high school did.
My Little Pony appeals to us because everything about it is the hopes and dreams that we had as kids.
Having magic powers? Check.
Talking animals? Check.
Dragons? Check.
Being able to fly? Check.
Never having to wear clothes? CHECK.
My Little Pony appeals to us because everything about it is the hopes and dreams that we had as kids.
Having magic powers? Check.
Talking animals? Check.
Dragons? Check.
Being able to fly? Check.
Never having to wear clothes? CHECK.
Never having to eat veggies? Check.
Singing everyday like a Disney movie? Check.
Singing everyday like a Disney movie? Check.
REASON 2: Word Play.
I'm generally not one for playing around with the English language. However, MLP does it like it invented the English language. Actually, like it invented every language ever. Including the ones we don't even know about. For example, instead of saying thing like "somebody" or "anybody," they say things like "somepony" or "anypony." I don't know about you, but I find that to be pure genius. Other shows like Dragon Tales never did that. MLP recognizes the fact that they are not humans and they embrace it. They embrace it hard.
I'm generally not one for playing around with the English language. However, MLP does it like it invented the English language. Actually, like it invented every language ever. Including the ones we don't even know about. For example, instead of saying thing like "somebody" or "anybody," they say things like "somepony" or "anypony." I don't know about you, but I find that to be pure genius. Other shows like Dragon Tales never did that. MLP recognizes the fact that they are not humans and they embrace it. They embrace it hard.
Also, there are a ridiculous amount of puns. The one that sticks out in my mind is in the episode "Boast Busters." Some slut of a unicorn named Trixie comes to Ponyville. She wants to get worshiped like a goddess for being the most magical unicorn in all of Equestria. Everypony calls BS and tells her she's not the hot stuff she thinks she is. A bunch of ponies try to show her up and she just makes them all look a fool. (Personally, I think they just should have called up Princess Celestial. I mean, really. She's the head honcho, a unicorn, controls night and day, created Equestria, and is basically the most BA pony there ever was or ever will be.) Anyway, Trixie gets a laugh out of all this and calls them all "neighsayers."
Neighsayers. Naysayers.
As soon as she said it, actually she neigh'd it, I was on the floor laughing.
Neighsayers. Naysayers.
As soon as she said it, actually she neigh'd it, I was on the floor laughing.
REASON 3: Ponies are our multicolored soul mates.
Every pony has their own distinct personality and voice. (None of that recycling the same voices for other characters crap like Skyrim did.) Just like the rabbit that stole Frank's soul on It's Always Sunny, these ponies steal your heart and never give it back. You'll be okay with it, though. Instead of getting eaten by a hawk, they cuddle your heart with everything that is good in the world.
There's a pony for everyone. Whether you like it or not, your soul will never be complete until you figure out which one it is. Trust me. I've yet to figure out my soul pony, and it's terrible.
REASON 4: Fluttershy.
Fluttershy is an atomic bomb of adorable. She's introverted. She's an animal caretaker. She's honest. She's the nicest person ever. She stands up to fire breathing dragons to save her friends. She's yellow and pink. The colors of babies.
But, most importantly, she has a softly sweet voice that you can barely hear. A softly sweet voice that makes the episode "Bridle Gossip" the best episode that I've seen so far.
Zecora the zebra comes to Ponyville and everypony thinks she's evil. (She's really not.) They follow her into the woods and she warns them not to touch the blue flowers. They don't listen and basically get the Equestria version of poison ivy. Twilight Sparkle's horn is a dud, Rainbow Dash can barely fly, Pinkie Pie can't talk, Rarity looks like a mop, and Fluttershy has the voice of a black man.
Fluttershy is an atomic bomb of adorable. She's introverted. She's an animal caretaker. She's honest. She's the nicest person ever. She stands up to fire breathing dragons to save her friends. She's yellow and pink. The colors of babies.
But, most importantly, she has a softly sweet voice that you can barely hear. A softly sweet voice that makes the episode "Bridle Gossip" the best episode that I've seen so far.
Zecora the zebra comes to Ponyville and everypony thinks she's evil. (She's really not.) They follow her into the woods and she warns them not to touch the blue flowers. They don't listen and basically get the Equestria version of poison ivy. Twilight Sparkle's horn is a dud, Rainbow Dash can barely fly, Pinkie Pie can't talk, Rarity looks like a mop, and Fluttershy has the voice of a black man.
As thanks to my friend Mayo, here's one of his YouTube videos. Like it, share it, subscribe!
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Segregation makes Keanu sad.
My grandmother is......a lot of things. I've learned a lot from her, good and bad. Overall, she's your typical 60-something-year-old and a very lovely woman. However, there a few things I'd like to focus on in this post.
#1 She's racist and it's hilarious. She usually won't watch a TV with an African American in it unless they're in a lower-class role, like a janitor or criminal.
I spent a week at their house once and it was the same week Laurence Fishburne (Dr. Langston) replaced William Petersen (Gil Grissom) on CSI. I wish you had been there. She hadn't been keeping up with the show even though she thought Petersen was the hottest thing since volcanoes. I'm pretty sure was busy catching up on Lost on something. Anyway, she had no idea Petersen was leaving the show and that episode came on and she FREAKED OUT. This is kind of what it looked like when she was watching:
She immediately changed the channel to Jeopardy and proceeded to be absolutely furious with me. She every right to be angry with me. I made sure it happened. I knew what episode of CSI it was and happened. I knew she'd have a freak out. I lied through my teeth and told her it was probably just a rerun. The fact I was on floor crying, laughing, and not responding to her because I couldn't breathe probably didn't help the situation much either. That probably looked a lot like this:
#2 She says ridiculous things, without anything happening to even prompt them. I probably could've just made a blog with a weekly life lesson quote from her.
(For those of you who don't know what Little 5 Points is, it's a town full of homeless people and people pretending to be homeless. Also, it's extremely unsafe. Basically that episode of South Park with all the homeless people invading.)
I was going to do more, but I was just hit a sudden wave of extreme forgetfulness. Soooo, yeah........
AN UNCOMFORTABLE PHOTO APPEARED!
#1 She's racist and it's hilarious. She usually won't watch a TV with an African American in it unless they're in a lower-class role, like a janitor or criminal.
I spent a week at their house once and it was the same week Laurence Fishburne (Dr. Langston) replaced William Petersen (Gil Grissom) on CSI. I wish you had been there. She hadn't been keeping up with the show even though she thought Petersen was the hottest thing since volcanoes. I'm pretty sure was busy catching up on Lost on something. Anyway, she had no idea Petersen was leaving the show and that episode came on and she FREAKED OUT. This is kind of what it looked like when she was watching:
She immediately changed the channel to Jeopardy and proceeded to be absolutely furious with me. She every right to be angry with me. I made sure it happened. I knew what episode of CSI it was and happened. I knew she'd have a freak out. I lied through my teeth and told her it was probably just a rerun. The fact I was on floor crying, laughing, and not responding to her because I couldn't breathe probably didn't help the situation much either. That probably looked a lot like this:
#2 She says ridiculous things, without anything happening to even prompt them. I probably could've just made a blog with a weekly life lesson quote from her.
(For those of you who don't know what Little 5 Points is, it's a town full of homeless people and people pretending to be homeless. Also, it's extremely unsafe. Basically that episode of South Park with all the homeless people invading.)
I was going to do more, but I was just hit a sudden wave of extreme forgetfulness. Soooo, yeah........
AN UNCOMFORTABLE PHOTO APPEARED!
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
To denounce the evils of truth and love.
I live on the top floor of an apartment complex. In the apartment below mine, there lives a group of three boys. I'm pretty sure I hate them. They always seem like nice people the few times I bump into them, but that doesn't really matter right now.
This group of boys, we'll call them Team Rocket for short, likes to make lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of noise with parties. I've wondered if maybe they're just incapable of sitting and watching TV or browsing online or going outside. Like, some sort of strange disease only college students and Snooki can catch.
Anyway, whenever Team Rocket parties, I imagine it looks like this:
Team Rocket is always playing music from about 6PM to about....whenever they pass out. I'm not sure what kind of music it is, so until I figure out what it is, I'm just going to assume it's dubstep. Normally, these "parties" are just the three of them. I find that very strange and possibly a little gay. Every now and again there is quite a large group down there, though. All the noise and the way it makes my apartment shake is awful. That's not even my actual problem with them, though.
My real, true and selfish problem with Team Rocket is that they give things to the man (Prof. Oak) that lives below them whenever they make any sort of noise, which is all the time. So, Professor Oak gets free beer, all of the time, in return for not reporting them for noise violations and possible underage drinking.
I want free stuff in trade for my silence and suffering, too. Not beer, mind you. I want chicken. Sweet, delicious chicken tenders from the nearby Publix. Having those for dinner every night for free is quite possibly the most wonderful thing that could ever happen. When I get tired of the chicken, I'll ask for something else. Probably Wild Cherry Pepsi. Maybe even Sailor Moon on DVD.
I'm patiently waiting for the next time Team Rocket decides to throw down, because I have a plan for the next morning. I'm going to leave this note on their door:
If I'm lucky, they'll call me to set up a Pokemon Battle, I can hand their butts to them with my prized team, and make some new friends. Better yet, make my own rivals and I'll get to call them all Gary the Douchebag whenever I seen one of them.
Unfortunately, I'm not all that lucky and probably just going to end up with very angry neighbors who think I'm a massive nerd. Oh, well.
Play some terrible music to annoy your neighbors.
With WUB and kisses,
Elizabeth <3
This group of boys, we'll call them Team Rocket for short, likes to make lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of noise with parties. I've wondered if maybe they're just incapable of sitting and watching TV or browsing online or going outside. Like, some sort of strange disease only college students and Snooki can catch.
Anyway, whenever Team Rocket parties, I imagine it looks like this:
Team Rocket is always playing music from about 6PM to about....whenever they pass out. I'm not sure what kind of music it is, so until I figure out what it is, I'm just going to assume it's dubstep. Normally, these "parties" are just the three of them. I find that very strange and possibly a little gay. Every now and again there is quite a large group down there, though. All the noise and the way it makes my apartment shake is awful. That's not even my actual problem with them, though.
My real, true and selfish problem with Team Rocket is that they give things to the man (Prof. Oak) that lives below them whenever they make any sort of noise, which is all the time. So, Professor Oak gets free beer, all of the time, in return for not reporting them for noise violations and possible underage drinking.
I want free stuff in trade for my silence and suffering, too. Not beer, mind you. I want chicken. Sweet, delicious chicken tenders from the nearby Publix. Having those for dinner every night for free is quite possibly the most wonderful thing that could ever happen. When I get tired of the chicken, I'll ask for something else. Probably Wild Cherry Pepsi. Maybe even Sailor Moon on DVD.
I'm patiently waiting for the next time Team Rocket decides to throw down, because I have a plan for the next morning. I'm going to leave this note on their door:
If I'm lucky, they'll call me to set up a Pokemon Battle, I can hand their butts to them with my prized team, and make some new friends. Better yet, make my own rivals and I'll get to call them all Gary the Douchebag whenever I seen one of them.
Unfortunately, I'm not all that lucky and probably just going to end up with very angry neighbors who think I'm a massive nerd. Oh, well.
Play some terrible music to annoy your neighbors.
With WUB and kisses,
Elizabeth <3
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Nope.
Due to my ovaries being on fire, my insides melting, and basically my body rebelling against me, I don't feel like doing this week's "Let's Offend Someone." So, instead here's a picture of one of our Velociraptor Overlords being killed by a Dolphin Rebel.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Life finds a way.
I've always thought velociraptors were the coolest dinosaurs to ever exist. Velociraptors and the little acid-spitting one that ate Dennis Nedry (Wayne Knight) towards the end of Jurassic Park. That guy was a douche.
Recently, I have come to realize the only reason velociraptors are cool only because they are all dead. If raptors were alive, this would be a very terrible place. If for some ungodly raptors were revived, I have a pretty good theory as to how that'll happen.
It all starts with a young boy who had terrible parents. These terrible parents never let him watch Jurassic Park or any of the sequels. Little Jimmy goes to college and becomes Earth's most amazing geneticist. All the while, he never learned one the most important rules of life: Never ever bring dinosaurs, especially the carnivores, back to life.
Before everyone else has finally been able to make Sharktopus a reality, Jimmy has bought an island in the Pacific and turns it into a massive zoo. Then, he invites some people to the zoo for a beta testing. Those people all die because the raptors figure how to get out of their holding areas. Raptors, being the clever creatures they are, start teaching themselves important skills. How to open doors, set traps, talk, and fly the helicopters. Next thing you know, they're headed to the mainland.
Chances are they've also learned how to steer boats. It'll be an aerial and sea attack. Eventually, after a long and harsh battle, velociraptors will become our overlords. We'll be slaves, pets, and food. Raptors also have a thing for the Victorian Era. Top hats and monocles will be back in fashion.
We'll stay under the rule of our velociraptor masters until the dolphins have gotten fed up with not getting free fish or lots of cheers for jumping through rings. They'll learn how to build lasers, rise up, and free us from slavery. Vive la Revolucion!
Disclaimer: I do not and have never owned anything related to Jurassic Park.
It all starts with a young boy who had terrible parents. These terrible parents never let him watch Jurassic Park or any of the sequels. Little Jimmy goes to college and becomes Earth's most amazing geneticist. All the while, he never learned one the most important rules of life: Never ever bring dinosaurs, especially the carnivores, back to life.
Before everyone else has finally been able to make Sharktopus a reality, Jimmy has bought an island in the Pacific and turns it into a massive zoo. Then, he invites some people to the zoo for a beta testing. Those people all die because the raptors figure how to get out of their holding areas. Raptors, being the clever creatures they are, start teaching themselves important skills. How to open doors, set traps, talk, and fly the helicopters. Next thing you know, they're headed to the mainland.
Chances are they've also learned how to steer boats. It'll be an aerial and sea attack. Eventually, after a long and harsh battle, velociraptors will become our overlords. We'll be slaves, pets, and food. Raptors also have a thing for the Victorian Era. Top hats and monocles will be back in fashion.
We'll stay under the rule of our velociraptor masters until the dolphins have gotten fed up with not getting free fish or lots of cheers for jumping through rings. They'll learn how to build lasers, rise up, and free us from slavery. Vive la Revolucion!
Disclaimer: I do not and have never owned anything related to Jurassic Park.
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